Trolling the Shinigami Realm
by Woodswolf
Summary: Tea parties are fun. Rated M for language, trolling, and references to previous works in the series.
1. 1: Fourth Wall

**TROLLING THE SHINIGAMI REALM**

'_Cuz sometimes it's fun to be a troll, you know?_

* * *

CHAPTER ONE: FOURTH WALL

My partner-in-crime is scared to death of strawberry lemonade.

Well, sure, yeah, she almost drowned in it (if you can _believe_ her story, of course – she actually claims that she almost drowned _twice_), and it was _kinda_ my fault, so, unfortunately, I haven't seen a glass of good old strawberry lemonade, my favorite drink to troll with (partly because I drowned an alternate reality in a _fuckload_ of it), in almost a year.

I'm angry about that, but I guess I did maul her garden portrait and spelled 'GOT PENIS?' below it, and I happened to make her an orphan because of the lemonade (if you can believe her…), and I allegedly almost drowned her twice, and I set up a porn show for her (she never got to watch it)…

Yeah, yeah. I know. She's only twelve _now_, and I'm a guy four years older than her. Our interests are… slightly different.

Anyway.

I'm Ted. Ted the Troll King.

And then there's my partner.

Coraline.

We are the Troll Clan.

We get along surprisingly well, because she likes _finding_ places, and I like _destroying_ places!

Currently, we're on our way to our next big gig. I mean, over time, yeah, it's gotten a bit boring, you know, sitting in a yellow life raft with a girl who hates you, teleporting through space and time in complete silence?

It gets _really_ boring.

While we've been locked in this time-tunnel or whatever-the-fuck-it-is (We could just troll the universe, but the universe gets pissed off very easily when you fuck with physics), we haven't really done much of anything.

I've picked up breakdancing, I guess, you know, the version of breakdancing where you sit on your ass and _don't_ spin, and Coraline… well, the reason she's not entertaining the fucking readers (Fuck you all, by the way) is because she's decided that she's a _real fucking heavy sleeper_. Either that, or she's just _pretending_ to be asleep and _fucking_ _ignoring me_.

I'm not sure which scenario I'm more pissed off by.

Either way, I think we're getting close to wherever-the-hell we're supposed to be going. Wasn't my idea.

Yeah, I think we _are_ getting closer.

You bored yet?

I told her we should have trolled that castle, but _no_… she has to go off and listen to the author's friends!

Fuck the author, too. Why the _fuck _do we have to fucking troll a _fucking desert?_

Wait, wait… the tunnel isn't spinning anymore!

Yay! We're going to finally get out of this shit!

The raft finally flies through the wall of the psychedelic tunnel, into a barren desert filled with monsters that look like multicolored skeletons that rolled in muddy rags.

My kind of place.

* * *

_(A/N): Most of this chapter was actually written before the trolled fandom was decided on._

_And the winner, most obviously, was Death Note, with the Shinigami Realm!_

_Yay!_

_By the way, for those of you who voted for Oz on the poll, the reason I picked the Shinigami Realm is because I already had a greater number of ideas for it, and that I have no idea who picked that, while the Shinigami Realm was 'picked' by a friend of mine (she thought it would be awesome), and was talked about between me and Jones Tereka Seasight._

_So, there's my explanation._

_If you're disappointed, don't worry – chances are likely that the spacetime continuum will be disrupted. AKA, they say 'Fuck rules!' and troll the universe anyway._

_There actually is a likely chance, thus, that the third book (Oz) will take place before the second (Shinigami Realm)._


	2. 48: Chipmunks

**TROLLING THE SHINIGAMI REALM**

'_Cuz sometimes it's fun to be a troll, you know?_

* * *

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT: CHIPMUNKS

Ted slaps me awake.

"Ow! What the _fuck?_"

"We're here, dumbass," he says.

I get up. I've been alternating between sleeping and pretending to be asleep for however long it was.

You see, I don't specifically _like_ Ted very much (I don't like him _or_ his strawberry lemonade, as a matter of fact). _Maybe_ he'll grow on me eventually.

Maybe.

I see that we're in some really ugly desert. Ugly yellow sand, ugly multicolored skeleton people… it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and I'm only seeing a small part of it.

"Well, I think I've seen it all. Unless if there's some sort of… palace or something here, start messing with it," I tell him.

"Look at that badass palace over there, then," Ted says, pointing off to the horizon. "I'm hoping for another balcony or two… last time was _fun_."

I see what he's talking about – it's a little brown dot against the horizon of ugly yellow sand. I think I see some dark spires and other stuff, but I can't really tell what they look like.

I think for a moment. "That would be the perfect thing to turn into a pile of stone shit."

"I've got a better idea," he says. "Wonder if it would look good in pink…"

Ted whispers his idea to me, and I grin. In this desolate place, I believe the residents would _greatly_ appreciate it, _especially_ since they seem to like ugly shades of brown and yellow.

"And an apple orchard, maybe," Ted finishes. "Of course, it depends on what the _new_ denizens would eat…"

"Well, we could turn most of the yard around it into fresh green grass. I think they'd eat _that_. And if they don't, just fuck them."

"But then they'd fucking _die! _It's no _fun_ if it won't last at least twenty fucking years!"

"They won't forget it anyway," I tell him. "It would be a permanent scar on their society."

"Fine, but then we have to make sure that at least some of it is permanent."

"Good."

We set off in our raft – it's still a little wet from the strawberry lemonade, which I shy away from – flying across the ugly desert, with the ugly skeleton things watching us from below.

We pass over some sort of ugly forest and decide to start our first troll.

Ted hops out of the raft just before it flies into one of the trees, and I am unable to jump out in time. Once I get out of the thing ('tree' isn't the proper term… 'bramble bush' is better) and fall to the ground, he's already pulled a lot of stuff out of the magical trolling backpack – about thirty square meters of those seed mats people use in gardens, a hose that is spewing water (one end is still in the backpack), ten pine trees, two shovels, and one hundred chipmunks.

I recognize the chipmunks. Ted taught a group of over five thousand of them to _sing_ while we were in the magic tunnel. Depending on the time of day, they'll sing nursery rhymes, the music from _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_, or assorted heavy metal songs.

They're annoying as _hell_, but I think that's the _point_.

He lays out the seed mats on the ground around the trees and soaks them with the hose. In about three minutes, the grass is about an inch tall.

We don't have time to wait for the grass to grow. I don't mind him trolling it.

Next, Ted gives me a shovel and five of the pine trees to plant, and keeps another shovel and the remaining trees for himself. Digging in the sandy soil is easy, so I'm able to get the job done quickly.

After that, we release the chipmunks and run – they scurry through the five-inch-tall grass and up the thirty-foot trees, and once they're all nice and hidden, they start screaming _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ at the top of their high-pitched, whiny voices.

It sounds _awful_.

A few of the skeleton things walk over the hill and their eyes begin to burn from overexposure to the fairy-tale forest we planted. The rest of them run away, screaming with the awful music.

Since that's been a success, we look at the castle on the horizon.

I grin. "I hope you have enough unicorns in there."

* * *

_(A/N): Well, you have no idea what they're going to do to the 'castle' on the horizon._

_For those of you who aren't as familiar with the Death Note canon (or my version, anyway), I always imagined a castle of sorts where their leader would live. I can't remember the exact terms, but I'm pretty sure it was the Shinigami King. I'll have to think on it._

_Anyway, that's why._

_Oh, I'm going to _love_ writing that chapter._


	3. Negative 398: Talk to Strangers

**TROLLING THE SHINIGAMI REALM**

'_Cuz sometimes it's fun to be a troll, you know?_

* * *

CHAPTER NEGATIVE THREE HUNDRED NINETY EIGHT: TALK TO STRANGERS

The closer we get to the castle, the bigger it gets.

The closer we get, the more annoying my trolling gets.

I keep releasing more and more chipmunks – I just released about five hundred of them at a hundred square meter forest we just planted.

Of course, I'm still saving the majority of them for the castle. _That's_ going to be the most fun to troll.

Along the way, though, I've been able to finally make out enough detail to see that there are no balconies on the castle – and even if I did make a Super-Fatal Troll-Trap, it wouldn't fit with the 'theme'.

Coraline's been helping a bit. She's quite clumsy, you could say – I am always able to get out of the raft on time. I think she's trying to annoy me.

We're finally there. The castle.

It's time to let her take the lead to have a look around.

Why do _I_ have to be narrating this, anyway? _I_ don't want to! _I_ just want to _relax_, and troll as _I_ please.

_Fuck_ readers.

Anyway, so we walk inside the castle, and Coraline immediately spies some giant skeleton sitting on a big-ass, badass throne, covered in skulls and fire and blood and all that shit.

He's got some sort of perverted grin on his face, and he's reading what looks like a Chinese porn magazine (The language looks Chinese, and I see some incredibly hot naked – wait, it's one of those _skeleton things?_ How could they look _hot?_ – on the cover).

Once he realizes we're there, he looks up and his face morphs into a pissed-off scowl.

"What's your name, kid?" he asks Coraline.

Coraline looks up with trusting, stupid eyes. "Well, I'm Coraline, and that's –"

I shush her quickly. "Hey, you should know that we don't talk to strangers."

She shoves me away. "Fuck you."

During our exchange, he picks up a notebook from the arm of his throne and begins writing something in it.

I decide to play it safe, and troll the book so that no matter what he's doing, whether it's writing a curse or a bedtime story for his dog (the former is more likely), it won't hurt us in any way.

'Cuz I still owe Coraline. _Kinda._

He begins staring intently at her with the same perverted grin on his face that he had before when he was reading the magazine. Coraline begins to stare at him, too – I don't know what she thinks he's doing.

"FUCK!"

The skeleton guy on the throne randomly cries an assortment of curses in about ten different languages. I don't recognize about half of them.

While he's ranting – _"THE FUCK? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY FUCKING DEATH NOTE FOR FUCK'S SAKE?" _– I grab Coraline by the arm and pull her outside.

We prepare to troll.

* * *

OTHER MOTHER

* * *

They finally fled wherever-the-fuck-they-were-hiding.

Now they've appeared… in the Shinigami Realm? What the _fuck_ are they doing there?

Well, it turns out I still have an old doorway there (the Shinigami are less gullible than humans… _why, oh why must they be?_) so I prepare to trek out there and see what I can see.

From what I can tell, they're nearby.

When I see them, I'm going to first explain why I'm going to kill them.

Nah, I'll capture them first, then explain.

But anyway, I'm going to kill Ted because he interfered with my hunt, and – well, I'm going to kill Coraline because she _was_ my hunt.

Fuck rules, though.

* * *

_(A/N): Well, the OM has been brought back into the picture!_

_Let's see what happens, no?_


	4. 1847: Dress Up

**TROLLING THE SHINIGAMI REALM**

'_Cuz sometimes it's fun to be a troll, you know?_

* * *

CHAPTER ONE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED FORTY SEVEN: DRESS UP

The last few hours have proven to be very interesting.

We've been decorating the exterior of the castle for a while, painting the walls pink and such.

We've also planted a gigantic fairy-tale forest complete with faeries, assorted birds, and the rest of the singing chipmunks. We also threw some unicorns and swans and big blue lakes in the mix. The only thing missing (besides decorating the interior) is putting the skeleton guys in fairy-princess outfits and throwing a BIG tea party!

I'm too old for dolls, of course… this is a kind of make-up for it.

Ted has been very satisfied with the trolling. The formerly dark spires are now white with spotlights hanging from them, which point at the forest so that it's always bright and cheery and fairy-tale like in it. The rest of the castle is light pink with neon highlights. Some of the sections are also sprinkled with silver glitter.

We prepare to go inside.

This time, the guy on the throne is cowering in fear. I think it's because 2500 singing chipmunks can _easily_ be heard through four-foot-thick walls. He's got his magazine wrapped around his head, and I finally get a good look at it.

I didn't want to.

"Come on," Ted says. "I've got the perfect dress for him. Bright pink with light purple and white frills, and a little red bow to tie around his head."

Putting the guy in the dress was the hard part. He was in the fetal position the whole time, and kept screaming to 'make it stop', and was thrashing like crazy.

Eventually, however, we tied him to a table, and it got a _lot_ easier after that.

Once we get him in the dress (it looked really ugly on him… he would have no fashion work for him with that UGLY FACE!), it's a simple matter to round up the servants and fit them in Technicolor dresses. The table we tied them to becomes the tea party set, and everyone in attendance is screaming (and in a pool of water – we can't have them catching on fire like that anymore, now can we?). The chipmunks outside switch to heavy metal songs as the party continues.

* * *

OTHER MOTHER

* * *

Well, I've planned. I'm ready.

I step outside the door…

…to find what I was least expecting.

* * *

_(A/N): One chapter left!_


	5. Infinity: Refuge

**TROLLING THE SHINIGAMI REALM**

_'Cuz sometimes it's fun to be a troll, you know?_

* * *

CHAPTER INFINITY: REFUGE

The hag I trolled a year back crawls out of a hole in the pink walls and wanders onto the white tile. She looks up, but doesn't see me or Coraline, and instead stares at the crying, screaming skeleton-things.

"The FUCK?"

I laugh.

"Well, wait…" the button-eyed woman says. "Everybody out there is screaming and panicking just like these guys, aren't they?"

"Yep," Coraline says.

"Good," the hag replies. "Here's a deal: I won't kill you guys if I can scream that there's a refuge behind that door." She points to the passage she came from. "Deal?"

"Sure," I answer. "Why not?"

The button-eyed hag sucks in a huge breath, and with a noise that nearly breaks my eardrums, shouts, "HEY, SHINIGAMI! THERE'S A REFUGE FROM THESE TROLLS!"

All of a sudden, the front door caves in as thousands of the skeletons pour through it. The woman points to the passage, and every one of them – even the ones at the tea party – swarms into it. There is screaming for many an hour (a few small fires start), and the smell of many bodies rotting in the same room, but eventually it clears out.

"Well, fuck you," the woman says. "Goodbye."

She walks through the door and is gone.

I look to my right to find Coraline asleep on the floor. She probably passed out during the crowding.

I walk over and kick her, saying, "Kid. Kid. Time to move on."

It only takes one kick to get her to talk. "Fuck you," she says, sleepily, before rolling over.

"You can sleep your ass off once we get moving," I tell her, kicking her again. "Where are we going?"

She stands up and thinks for a little while. "Well, there's some place I've always wanted to go…"

She tells me the plan.

"I _like_ that plan."

"Then let's go!"

* * *

_(A/N): Did you like? Was it troll enough for you?_

_Guess what? I don't care._

_I'm already started on the third book, Oz. You'll see that soon, along with a new poll for where they go after that._

_(Or not. I think I'm going to do Oceania from 1984. Depends. We'll see...)  
_


End file.
